Introspection

If a person has no reason to want to leave the church, or not live by it’s teachings, that person has no reason to disbelieve what they are taught. However, once a person realizes that their own life is not in harmony with the gospel, they either have to admit that they are in the wrong, or find fault with the church and/or lose their testimony.
The question is: can a person that is sincerely willing to change their life for the truth, gain a knowledge of whether or not the church is true? Or do they have to have so much desire to believe that it is true that it then becomes true to them?
There are so many that say that a person that prays but never receives a confirmation of the truth is merely not living the commandments, or isn’t sincere about their desire to know. And, maybe that is true. But, maybe it’s not. Maybe that person is sincere, but doesn’t receive the knowledge that they believe they are entitled to. Who lives the commandments anyway? You go to church at with every lesson the teacher confesses that they don’t live the principles like they should. Well, who lives them then? And if a life of complete fidelity to the laws of God is so unattainable…well, what good are they…especially if the spirit will only come to you if you are in complete obedience?
Maybe I just don’t want to admit that I’m wrong. Maybe I don’t want to give up my sins and repent fully. This is most likely the case I imagine…based on everything I’ve learned since I was a child. However…maybe I’m not wrong. Maybe I’m just figuring out who I am and what I want…and I’m looking for truth and not finding it where I thought I would. Maybe I don’t want to find it in the church and that’s why I’m not finding it there. But on it’s face, it seems logical that any intelligent person that had a beautiful, smart, loving wife; respect in the community and within the church; and a myriad of other good things wouldn’t desire to give that all up for a probable life of unhappiness. So, what motivation do I have to find fault with the church? Well, past sins…but if that were the case, then why am I revealing them now? There was a part of me that wanted to tell her everything I’d done so that she might want to separate from me and then I could pursue a different life…while still being legally attached…in case I discovered what I really wanted was what I already had. There was actually a part of me that was disappointed when she didn’t kick me out. But there was also a part of me that just wanted to hold her, hug her, kiss her and tell her it would all be okay…that I’d fix things and that I’d make her happier than I’ve ever made her before. But you see…I can’t do that. Not yet. If I were to do that right now it would be because I wanted to shield her from pain. I need to love her because I want to love her…because I choose her over every other woman I could ever possibly have. I want to choose to love her everyday. And until I feel that way in my heart…I’m not going to lead her on…or live a lie…even though there isn’t much to the lie. She’s easy to love. I do love her. I did choose her. I’m just not sure at this very point if I chose her for the right reasons. And I’m not going to ask for her forgiveness and try to win back her heart until I can choose her for the right reasons.

There is so much certainty in ignorance.
I sit here trying to figure out what I really believe, what I really feel, and I just come up empty. I want to be the man that she thinks I am. I want to just wake up, stand up and take charge of my life. I want to prove to her that I'm an honorable, respectable, trustworthy man that loves her and will never hurt her again. And when I look deep into myself to find that person...I can't find him. He isn't there. I'm just empty. I know that I'm letting down everybody that means anything to me. But I can't pretend I feel things I don't. If I do that, then I'll never amount to anything. I realize that right now I'm just a worthless pile of nothing...but at least I'm being honest to myself about that.
I want to feel...strongly...about anything...and live consistent with those desires. What good is a person that only does good because he thinks everybody is watching. That person is self-centered and full of pride. Every good thing they do is discounted because they do it for the wrong reasons. I want to be a good person that does good things because that's the way I am...that's just what I do...that's what I want to do.
I want to stay with my wife because I love her...because I choose her...because I wouldn't rather have any other life than the life that I have with her. And...I just don't feel that way right now. And I can't force myself to feel that way...even though, I really want to feel that way. It is breaking my heart seeing her go through the pain she's going through. Every time I see her, I feel worse about myself...I feel more empty. I want to fix things...but I can't find the strength or desire to. I feel weak, and worthless.
How do you change? How do you really change what your heart feels? How do you change your desires? Is it selfish to live according to your feelings, your desires, your wants?
In one way or another, everybody lives according to what they desire. Every decision we make stems from desiring something more than anything else at any particular moment. Even when we do things we don't want to do, we do it because we want to avoid the consequences of not doing that thing, or we want to please somebody that wants us to do that thing that we don't want to do. So, in one way or another, we're always choosing according to what we desire.
I haven't figured out what it is I truly want from my marriage. In one way I want to be out in the field again, playing and hunting. On the other side, I have a very beautiful wife that loves me deeply. I have an adorable son. In many ways I have everything from life that anybody would want, so why don't I care more about keeping it healthy and happy?
If I choose to stay in this marriage, I'll have plenty of challenges ahead of me..and that's good because I like challenge. But even as I think about that...my heart just isn't there. I don't know what my deal is. I can't figure out why I don't want to rise up and be a man, and win back the heart of the woman who once loved me so well. I pray, I read scripture, I pace and pace and think and write and do anything else I can to figure out how I feel...what I feel...
I'm just lost.

Nobody really knows what will happen from one moment to the next. However, most people have a pretty good idea, and they generally tend to be right. There are, of course, freak accidents, natural disasters, children and other unforseen events that can bring unexpected events into a person's life. But most of the time, we have a pretty good idea of what will happen from one day to the next. We generally know where we'll be tomorrow, or even next week or often next month or year.
But I don't know where I'll be tomorrow. I don't know what my marriage will be like. I don't know if I'm starting a ball rolling that will change my relationship with my wife, son, parents, siblings, neighbors and friends forever, or if I will end up continuing with the facade for a few more years. But I do know that I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to tell her everything. The reality of it hasn't hit me yet. She doesn't suspect anything. Our life seems normal and happy and...well, great.
I don't know how shocked she'll be tomorrow. I have no idea what her reaction will be. Will she be upset at me? Will she feel so betrayed and hurt that she won't want to talk to me. Will she want me to leave....permanently?
Who will she talk to? Where will she go for comfort. Where do you turn when your only best friend betrays you? Where do you turn when it turns out you don't really know the person that you thought was your only best friend?
And you see...I wouldn't tell her if telling her was what was going to hurt her. In a way, knowing what I've done is what's going to hurt her. Because, I've already done everything...and things seem great...but they won't be great after she knows about them. So why should I tell her? Because she has a right to know that I'm more than what I claim to be. Because in the end I think I'm saving her from greater pain, and providing a way that we can both be happier down the road. However...I only pray that she can survive the pain that this 'better path' is going to cause.
I've had time to prepare for this. I've been thinking about this for weeks now. In my mind I'm prepared for the embarrassment, the shame, the changes in my life. But without having any context, any preparation...I don't know how she's going to handle it.
And that's why I don't know where I'll be at this time tomorrow.

Well, I don't think I'll have time to finish this post, because we're supposed to leave soon. But, I'm nervous about tomorrow. I'll explain what's going to happen tomorrow later..when I have more time. I sit here with my beautiful wife and my sweet little boy and just enjoy how perfect our little life seems. It's hard to believe that that could all be in jeapordy tomorrow. And the interesting thing about it is that these changes will come as a result of what's already been done...it's not like I can just refrain from doing something and keep the life we have. I'm merely telling her what I've done, and who I am...and as a result of simply telling her...life is going to change. I hope that in the end, it's going to be for the best. But I know temporarily it's going to be hell. For her and me. I'd never want to cause her pain. I never anticipated that any pain would be felt by anybody. I guess I always figured what I did in my privacy...things that only I ever knew about would never impact anybody. And I guess that would be true...but I can no longer pretend that all of that isn't a part of who I am. I am not two people...one upstanding citizen and one deviant one...I am one person. I don't fit into the mold that I've created for myself by trying to live up to everybody else's expectations.
The thing is, I think she loves me enough to stay with me...but I don't know if she actually knows who I am. I'm only just now really starting to realize who I am.
I've got to go now...I know this is kind of confusing, but maybe it will make more sense after I make a few more posts....sorry about the strange order...maybe it makes it all more of a mystery.

Welcome to my Blog. I've got a lot of catching up to do. I'll probably not write much right now, but soon I'll write my current thoughts, and then fill you in on the whole history of my current situation. Um....I'm not sure if I'll be writing all of this as though I'm writing to a person, of it I'll just be writing as though I'm writing to myself. It will probably be a combination of both.
I'd like to apologize about all mispellings and even incorrect words (you know how when you're typing quickly you sometimes say the wrong thing...well, in seeing that most of these posts will probably just be stream of conciousness entries...I'm sure that will happen quite a bit).