Introspection

What the hell am I doing? I don't know if I'm feeling what I'm feeling because I felt trapped and I wanted out...wanted to see if the grass is really greener on the other side, or if it's because that's what I really want. I don't know if I can go back to Kate with my whole heart...but all of the sudden, the closer we come to separation, the more possible it seems.
And yet in some ways, I still feel like I'd be doing that for her more than me...in order to not put her through anymore pain. I know I need to just decide and act...and let the pain come...I mean, I've already put her through so much pain as it is, why prolong it?
I know I hate feeling like the bad guy, feeling like everybody thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, and sometimes I guess I wonder if they're right. I'm afraid though, that if I give in to what they say, I'll never feel like I know what I really want...and someday in the future I'll resent that.
I need to leave...
I may want to come back, and that may or may not be possible....
But I need to know for myself...I need to want it...and not just because I'm lonely, or because I don't want to hurt someone or because I don't want to be the bad guy.
I am worried about being lonely though...worried that I'll settle because I'm tired of the loneliness...but I don't know if there is any other option, really....
I keep thinking that maybe I'll come home, give her flowers, give her the attention she deserves and fall in love with her and make everything "right."
But then again, I've been there, done that and failed. And I don't know what would be different this time.
I've got to leave....

I just realized that I never blogged my valentine poem for Kailia...
So, here it is...enjoy:



The time of year is here again when love is all around.
I looked inside my wary heart to see what could be found.

I saw a face I’ve never seen in person.
I felt a love that moved me mightily.
There was a sting attending my affection:
The one who held my heart could not love me.

It’s been said that hope dies slowly, and I’m certain that is true;
My faithful heart will not set free the love it feels for you.

There is a time when dreams mix with reality;
When fantasy and memories combine.
It matters not what happens in veracity,
For in that time, your heart can then be mine.

And so I pose this question, as silly as it seems,
Will you be my Valentine…
                If only in my dreams?

Okay, here's the latest: Kailia's just a tease...she admitted it to me...that makes me feel a lot better (although a lot like a fool too).
There's something fishy here...she's engaged. I mean, how many happily in love engaged girls are screwing around online trying to get other guys to be interested in them. Normally I wouldn't have thought anything about it, but you see...i kinda did the same thing myself. I realize now that it had a lot to do with something i was missing in my marriage, and if she's starting off a marriage this way...well, it's going to be quite a challenge.
Do I say something to her about it though? Or will she think i'm just trying to get her to break up with her man?
Do I sound like a teenage girl or what....nevermind it doesn't even matter....